3 Do’s and Don’ts for Wives That Will Improve Your Marriage
In 2010, I stood in front of my childhood pastor, family members, and closest friends and said vows to my husband. We promised to love one another “in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse” as long as we both live.
Every bride and groom makes these promises–or something similar. It might seem silly to promise to love this person forever when you’re over-the-moon in love with them right now. You can’t imagine a time you wouldn’t love them.
But every marriage has challenges. All of us face better times and worse times. Most of us have times of richer and poorer, and many marriages deal with sickness and health.
During the down times, we need to cling to the vows we made. When marriage feels hard, we might feel like giving up. But Christian wives can work to improve and strengthen our marriages with God’s help.
3 Do’s and Don’ts That Will Improve Your Marriage
Sometimes we think the best way to have a successful marriage is for our husbands to change.
“If he would only do this our marriage would be better.”
Instead, we might need to focus on things we can do to have a better marriage. Our own attitudes and actions cause us to be dissatisfied–and our husbands don’t even understand why we aren’t happy!
Let’s talk about some things we need to stop doing in our marriage to make it better. I’ll also give you some things you can do to find true happiness in your marriage.
Note: These tips are not meant to help you in an abusive marriage. Please know that God does not want you to stay in a situation that is dangerous to you or your children. Please seek help from a trusted pastor or legal authorities.
Don’t compare your happiness.
A few years ago, a young lady I knew gushed about her recent wedding on Facebook. When the church doors opened and her groom saw her, he started to cry.
She wrote, “Ladies, if he doesn’t cry when he sees you in your wedding gown, you’ve got the wrong one.”
Not only is that silly statement untrue, but it’s also dangerous to young wives. No two marriages are the same, and men don’t act the same. Comparing your husband or marriage to someone else is the fastest way to become unhappy.
At my wedding, someone gave my husband-to-be a plastic ball and chain. He walked around the church grinning and showing it off to people. My perfectionist self was horrified!
However, his sense of goofy humor has carried us through a lot of hard times.
Social media makes it really easy for us to compare our lives to someone else, even people we don’t know.
We see posts showing “romantic” husbands who buy flowers or expensive jewelry. I’ve seen extravagant babymoons, new cars, and clothes that cost more than my monthly mortgage.
Those over-the-top romantic gestures make us feel like our husbands don’t really care. Of course, we don’t say this, but we feel it deep inside.
This is just not true.
Do notice the little things.
Not every man shows his love with expensive gifts. And not every wife wants expensive gifts!
Instead of thinking about all the “romantic” things your husband doesn’t do, think about all the wonderful things he does for you.
Again, every man is different. The little things my husband does might be different than yours. But here area some examples of things my husband does for our family.
He gets up and goes to work every day so that I can stay home with our boys. He makes sure that my vehicle has windshield washer fluid, air in the tires, and oil.
When he’s home, he often cooks for us (he’s a better cook than me!), helps with homeschool, and takes care of the outside chores.
He encourages me and is proud of my accomplishments, even when I’m not proud of myself. He is kind to me when I have mood swings and loves me unconditionally.
These are just a few of the ways he loves me. If you take the time to think about it, you might find some unnoticed ways your husband loves you, too.
Don’t keep score.
Being a spouse and a parent can be really overwhelming. Sometimes, when I’m in a particularly hard season, I start keeping score. I feel like I’m contributing more than my husband.
The truth is, sometimes I do contribute more. And other times, my husband contributes more.
Marriage isn’t a competition where the one with the most points wins. Marriage is a team sport where husband and wife work together to win at life.
A successful marriage depends on each person giving all that they have. But it also means recognizing when the other person is struggling, too.
Sometimes my husband is putting far more effort into our marriage and home than I am. Other times, I’m doing the bulk of the work.
But no points are being awarded, and there is no prize for the person who does the most. Both my husband and I are winners when we recognize the other’s contributions to our family.
Do serve with a willing heart.
The Bible tells us the greatest person in God’s kingdom is the servant. From our human viewpoint, that seems twisted.
One of the most beautiful pictures of servanthood in the Bible is Jesus washing His disciples’ feet. They prepared to celebrate the last Passover, and it was tradition for the servant to wash the feet of everyone at the table.
None of the disciples would humble himself to wash the others’ feet. But Jesus did it willingly, even knowing how He would suffer over the next few hours. Jesus served others with no thought of repayment.
The truth is, our husbands aren’t perfect, but neither are we. Sometimes we don’t feel like they deserve us to take care of them or meet their needs. We want to feel like we will be repaid for the good things we do.
But Jesus’ example shows us that a true servant serves those who will never pay them back.
However, if you’re already noticing the little things, you might find more reasons to do nice things for your husband!
Don’t play the blame game.
When comparison and scorekeeping creep in, blame is never far behind. Let’s face it, the reason the marriage vows include the promise to love “through better or worse” is because we often have a lot of “worse” times.
Marriages go through struggles. When it gets hard, we want to find someone to blame. It’s so easy in these situations to blame our husbands. It’s especially easy if you’re already comparing your happiness and keeping score.
Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?
- I would be happier if my husband spent more time with me.
- Life would be easier if we had a bigger house.
- We could take nicer vacations if my husband didn’t golf every Saturday.
- Our marriage would be better if my husband took me on more date nights.
The complaints are compounded when we add the word “like.”
“I would be happier if my husband spent more time with me, like Diane’s husband does with her.”
First, as Christian women, we know that our husbands cannot meet all of our emotional needs. Only Jesus can do that. We cannot expect any human to fill the empty spaces that are meant for Jesus.
Secondly, no man can read your mind. We may have expectations for our marriage that our husbands don’t even know. Sometimes, we expect him to know what we want or need without being told.
Do check your own heart.
Sometimes I need to ask myself, “Am I blaming my husband for not meeting expectations that I’ve set without telling him?”
If your marriage is in a tough spot, you may need to seek outside counseling. But begin with prayer.
Ask God to show you where your heart is. Are you comparing your happiness to someone else?
Maybe you are keeping score instead of noticing all the little things your husband does to love you. Or, maybe you’re blaming your husband for things that aren’t his fault.
Take time to seek God’s wisdom and ask for His guidance. Pray for your husband and marriage that God will strengthen and help you.
How to Have a Good Marriage
The truth is, you cannot change your husband. I cannot change mine. We can’t control their actions, even when they hurt or disappoint us.
They are human, and they will disappoint us. What we can change is our own attitudes and responses.
I can choose to see the good things in my husband, as I hope that he chooses to see the good things in me. I can stop comparing our marriage to other marriages and notice the little things he does.
I can serve willingly, not because I want him to repay me, but because I want to live like Jesus.
The best thing we can do for our marriages is to focus on ourselves and our husbands. We need to stop looking outward and start looking inward.
Marriage is a Battle (But Not With Your Husband)
Satan hates marriage and family. He attacked the first family in the Garden of Eden, and he’s never stopped.
Marriage is a fight, but your husband isn’t the enemy. Satan is.
Christian husbands and wives need to come together and fight against Satan. When we fight each other, we are weaker.
When we come together we are strong, and when we add God to the equation, we are unstoppable.
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesistes 4:12 (KJV)
Two people are strong, but three are even stronger. Invite God into your marriage and see what He can do.
